Self-absorption

Stuttering Forum Forums Stuttering Forum Self-absorption

This topic contains 19 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Hans 11 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #1435

    Hans
    Participant

    Putting myself into the position of a cook, just thinking about it, makes me feel very uncomfortable. Setting the table makes me squirm; handing a plate of something arouses self-doubt and a desire to be elsewhere. Why?

    Why this need to know? I do live in a world dominated by thoughts and feelings about myself. This life-long habit of self-examination helped me discover my weaknesses so they could be dealt with, but it’s now proving to be a big pain in my ass. I’m spending a large portion of each day looking into a mirror; not at my face but into my head. During that time everyone and everything is shut out. This is not good.

    Open your eyes, Hans !!

    #18211

    bwelling
    Participant

    Hans, what do you see when you open your eyes?

    #18204

    Hans
    Participant

    @bwelling 13848 wrote:

    Hans, what do you see when you open your eyes?

    Right now, too much of me. I know I’m OK, but the habit of checking to make sure is still there. There is more to the world than ME. Self -awareness is OK in moderation, but there needs to be a healthy ballance between I, you and them. I haven’t been listening to my own words as I wrote them on these pages and I’m angry with my self.

    #18207

    timitao
    Participant

    Hans don’t do that, talk about yourself in that way. Yes it is a lot easier to give advice to others and help them it makes us feel worthwhile. But the reason you slip back into unhappiness is you have an “all or nothing mindset” for example you might see being fluent as success and stammering as failure.

    What then happens is at times when you are fluent you feel ” alive” like you can take on anything thats in your path. Then the moment you feel negative about something it spirals and you feel helpless, when you should be thinking this is just a negative thought.

    The key is to treat good and the bad times just the same. Not get over excited when something good happens, and not spiral into depression when something bad happens.

    We all fall down, but it’s how we pick ourselves up that matters. Accept that you have minor speech disfluencies ever now and again. Don’t rush to say your cured, because if you do stammer you will come down on yourself, because you have set yourself up to fail.

    see speech as levels of fluency, the key being to keep on improving, but don’t jump for the cure or you’ll fall down. You need to let go don’t be afraid to stammer it’s what sets u apart- just don’t give it the power it craves. Always think i’m in control even when your having a shitty day.

    peace and love

    #18208

    timitao
    Participant

    Hans don’t do that, talk about yourself in that way. Yes it is a lot easier to give advice to others and help them it makes us feel worthwhile. But the reason you slip back into unhappiness is you have an “all or nothing mindset” for example you might see being fluent as success and stammering as failure.

    What then happens is at times when you are fluent you feel ” alive” like you can take on anything thats in your path. Then the moment you feel negative about something it spirals and you feel helpless, when you should be thinking this is just a negative thought it’ll pass.

    The key is to treat good and the bad times just the same. Not get over excited when something good happens, and not spiral into depression when something bad happens.

    We all fall down, but it’s how we pick ourselves up that matters. Accept that you have minor speech disfluencies every now and again. Don’t rush to say your cured, because if you do stammer you will come down on yourself, because you have set yourself up to fail.

    see speech as levels of fluency, the key being to keep on improving, but don’t jump for the cure or you’ll fall down. You need to let go don’t be afraid to stammer it’s what sets us apart- just don’t give it the power it craves. Always think i’m in control even when your having a shitty day.

    #18203

    Igby
    Participant

    Mate I do the same thing with the constant self-critcisim but I guess when I’m happy with who I am and I think other people are happy with who I am, I will stop. Hans you are a good person. You can be happy with who you are.

    #18205

    Hans
    Participant

    @igby 13988 wrote:

    Mate I do the same thing with the constant self-critcisim but I guess when I’m happy with who I am and I think other people are happy with who I am, I will stop. Hans you are a good person. You can be happy with who you are.

    Igby and Timitao, thank you for your encouraging words. At times the amount of work still to do seems overwhelming, especially when I thought attaining fluency was the ultimate goal. How wrong can a person be?
    For the past few days a new picture of me has been coming into focus and it’s not very flattering. This constant preocupation with how I feel, what I want, what I need etc. has been with me all my life. I’m not beating myself up over this; I’m just amazed I haven’t noticed this self-centred attitude before.
    My wife’s not-so-gentle hints at my selfish attitude used to bounce off me like water off a duck’s back. “Leave me alone, I need to know myself if I’m to fix myself,” I’d say.

    Yes, the stutter disappeared, but it was replaced by a cocky, sharp tounge that often cut deeply; especially those closest to me. The irony is that I lost the stutter by reaching out to strangers; not in a daring, challenging fashion, but in a gentle, open, caring manner. I made new friends while ignoring my wife, who’s been putting up with my stutter for 30 years. How’s that for being two-faced and ungratefull?

    I’ve decided to forgive myself. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Lek seems to appreciate my attentiveness, no doubt hoping against hope that it will last.

    I see this as the biggest challenge yet. Changing a life-long preoccupation with the self will require some persistence; I do persistence well. 🙂

    #18212

    bwelling
    Participant

    Bravo, Hans. You realize that stuttering has made us the persistance kings. If any skill would be needed to overcome challanges, it is our unique training of persistence and perseverance. If it is true that Thomas Edison said it’s 5% inspiration and 95% determination. No one is more determine than us. We are a brave and special breed.

    #18206

    Hans
    Participant

    @bwelling 14001 wrote:

    Bravo, Hans. You realize that stuttering has made us the persistance kings. No one is more determine than us. We are a brave and special breed.

    bwelling, give me some examples of determination that is characteristic of PWS. Persistence kings? What do most stutterers persist with? I persisted with “Same as” for 55 years before getting off my bum. I hope our young members won’t wait that long.
    Persistence can be used for bad as well as for good. Persisting with the same old habits, even though it’s plain for all to see that they’re not working, is a poor use of tallent. So, for persistence to be usefull, it must be combined with insight and honesty. If that sounds as though I’m beating my own drum, forget it. Without a lot of help from selfless friends, I’d still be crying “why me? I deserve better than this shitty life!”

    #18213

    bwelling
    Participant

    Hans, brutally honest? – very strong yes. Addicted to fluency? – maybe. Worshiping the fluency god? -perhaps. But about persistence in stuttering? Issac Newton, Winston Churchill, Tiger Woods, and in every endeavor in the history of mankind you can find someone not willing to give up and shut down who they are because they stutter. I wholeheartly agree with you in that persistance’s real value comes with integrity and honesty. I believe that every famous stutterer will have the integrity and honesty as key personality traits. You are most articulate and passionate about who you are and who you want to be. It’s the stuttering community, which I believe you are a stong voice, that I appaud the determination to continue the effort to contact all the “shitty lives” out there, I/we need to hear your/my/their stories and feel the passion.

    #18209

    Tommy
    Participant

    Tiger Woods has a stutter?

    #18214

    bwelling
    Participant

    Tiger W doesn’t now, but in his bio it says he overcame it with concentration and confidence

    #18210

    Tommy
    Participant

    Thanks I didn’t know that. Good for him. 🙂

    #52674

    proustitute
    Participant

    Self-absorption is key. Speech is like walking and sleeping. No one is focusing on walking, while walking. Everybody just walks. The same with sleeping, or better to say with falling asleep. If you try desperately to fall asleep, chances are you won’t. What’s even worse, you then start judging yourself for not being able to fall asleep, and then hating it etc. Sounds familiar?

    To be even more accurate, it’s not so much awarness of one’s speech that’s the problem – it’s critical, judgemental awarness.

    #52690

    proustitute
    Participant

    I also recommend you to read Goffman’s Stigma.

    From the author of The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, Stigma is analyzes a person’s feelings about himself and his relationship to people whom society calls “normal.”

    Stigma is an illuminating excursion into the situation of persons who are unable to conform to standards that society calls normal. Disqualified from full social acceptance, they are stigmatized individuals. Physically deformed people, ex-mental patients, drug addicts, prostitutes, or those ostracized for other reasons must constantly strive to adjust to their precarious social identities. Their image of themselves must daily confront and be affronted by the image which others reflect back to them.

    Drawing extensively on autobiographies and case studies, sociologist Erving Goffman analyzes the stigmatized person’s feelings about himself and his relationship to “normals” He explores the variety of strategies stigmatized individuals employ to deal with the rejection of others, and the complex sorts of information about themselves they project. In Stigma the interplay of alternatives the stigmatized individual must face every day is brilliantly examined by one of America’s leading social analysts.

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